purity

is there any other way to do it?

i hate the way i'm feeling.

i'm so on the edge, ready to plunge head first if only my body would allow it.

why are you being so unresponsive, body?

i hate you.

i always, always have.

i got some comments today.
finally?

i mean i get things from my girls all the time but here's a few:

mom-

"wow, keish you're looking pretty skinny.

i mean your arms are tiny and your legs...

well those are legs i'd love to have."

this is a big thing, bc for those of you that don't know,
my mom HATES fat people.

she hates fat in general,

but its never something she's had to struggle with.

she couldn't be fat if she tried.

i wish i was as skinny as she made me sound.

i just went off on some rant about how bloated i am
and how i eat like a cow.

some girls in marketing:

m- oh my gosh, girl your legs are tiny.

a- geesh! yeah, they're like... so small.

me- no, haha i freaking wish, i'm like bulging out of life right now.

then one of them took me aside and was like

"k, if you really think you're fat... you're not i promise.

not at all."

i just kinda sidetracked into something else.

i wish they would call me out on it when i was like actually...

skinny.

my boyfriend loves it though.

don't get me wrong, he'd love me at 180 pounds but
he just loves the bones and the confidence and the restraint.

he was a wrestler so he's understanding i guess.

he's a huge sweetheart, i adore him.

ugh :/

i'm so mad. my self control is at one of its highest points and all i can do is gain, gain, gain.
its my stupid period, but still? i can't handle this for much longer. like honestly, if it doesn't come tomorrow i might have a breakdown. when i get my period cravings, i crave liquid like crazy but i can't drink liquid because it bloats me and i feel horrible about myself.
i honestly look like i'm at one of my thinnest points but somehow the scale wont shut up.
okay, idea.
i will hide my scale after tomorrow morning UNTIL i get my period.
i know that weighing every morning is what helps keep me on track with eating but i cannot handle waking up with that insane water weight and wanting to kick myself.
blah, blah, blaaaaaaaaaah body, stop bloating please?
i hate you, PERIOD! I HATE YOU!
i binged and purged today, but i regreted it alot.
the food was tasteless and impossible to purge.
i wont be doing that again any time soon.

i got out of dinner.
"i don't feel well" after two bites. thats good, i'd weigh like 125 if i ate.

okay here's my stats that i remember from recent times:
i'm 5'6
begining of summer 08- 136
end of summer 08- 126
christmas- 125-7
new years- 126
tuesday january 20th-118
this morning- 119.4
right now-121.4

I HATE LIQUIDS
i didn't even really eat today, man.

on the corner of 1st

i'm in a major blogging mood.
i really wish i knew if anyone read this? actually, its more like i wish it was appropriate for
anyone to read aside from me and my girls.
oh well, i wouldn't have much to write about i don't think.
maybe i'll make one for my normal life, except i'm not interesting enough.
i don't find pretty dresses on the internet or want to obsess over different types of frames.
i'm just not someone anyone would be interested in knowing their edited thoughts.
oh well.
i probably will end up making one right now haha.

love of mine, someday you will die.

i am siiick of fighting with my boyfriend, it takes a whole portion of energy out of life.

an energy that i need, an energy that keeps me going.

it makes me so sad, but i'm a stubborn girl so i can't show it.

i can only be rude and defensive.

never back down.

i ate well today, i guess. coffee for breakfast, sugar free amp and a salad for lunch, crackers for snack and some pasta for dinner.

my evening weight is 120.4, hopefully it goes back down to 118, but i don't see how it could.

I saw the unborn today, it scared me spiritually. we left early.

everything is good with me and my best friend so i'm happy.

i also have purple hair, too haha.

here's some pictures, the last two are my very favorite.

:(

i know i asked for it because i was the one who chose to put my truth box up, but someone posted this in there today:
"youre a pretty girl, but you really are pretty big."
it made me kind of sad. i always hope that maybe, just maybe i can't see that i am actually a normal/smaller size... but i guess not. i'm not just big. i'm pretty big.
its ok though, i already knew this i guess, hopefully one day i'll get lower.
i don't even really have anything to say. i died my hair?

bunch of pictures

some are me, haaa.

you'll be right here with me

sorry, i haven't posted anything in a few days. its weird bc i've been really good!

that usually results in blogs but oh well. i've lost about 3 pounds, i'm a steady 120. i want to be 110. i'm doing very good, i should be 119 by tomorrow. i'm not sure if i will be, but if i stick to my plan i will. i haven't been sticking to them as well as i should, but i've been throwing up less.

if i do, its usually a partial purge where i only throw up the part that i overate, if that makes sense?

this is gross, i hope no one reads this hahah.

my baby got his wisdom teeth out, i've been taking care of him this weekend, and i love love love it. i love bringing him stuff, i love cuddling and watching movies and falling asleep together, i love being around his family and his parents.
we've been getting along SO well and i'm so thankful for that.
i love that he knows i'm there for him. plus i'm really sick of going out and doing nothing. i just like being there with the one i care about the most. i miss my best friends, though but i think they're doing fine. they all have their own friends and i'm sure its nice to be reconnected with them. i don't have any problems with anyone right now.

well, sort of.

i kinda feel like i don't have any friends at the moment, but i know if i reached out i'd find many :)

thats always reassuring. im going to a warehouse jean sale this saturday! i'm super excited bc all the jeans are very cute and very cheap.

i have to set a limit because it stresses me out when i buy a bunch of clothes and don't have money to do small things.

i love jeans though :) i want to be 116 the morning we go shopping.
no school tomorrow, no plans except best friend and work and i think thats perfectly fine!

full force

up until now, i've been so good at keeping my weight loss a seperate part of my life.
aside from a few comments and one very close friend i've kept it out of my social life.
i can't stand this anymore, i try to so hard.
yesterday, all i ate was a sugar free rockstar and some pretzels and i gained a pound?
this is bullshit i'm sick of this.
i don't even want to live anymore. i want it to go away.
i want to be alive but i don't want a life if i can't be thin in that life.
its not fair.
this is going up full force until i reach 116.
i need to be there and i don't care who sees it or not, i need to see it on me.

all eyes on me

so i've been thinking. i have no idea who is ever going to read this, if anyone. i really like being able to look back though so i'll defintily keep this up for a good while.
first of all, i'm off that cleanse. yuuuck, makes me shutter. i seriously gained weight on it. i ate way more than i usually do, and it made me bloated and really depressed.
i can't handle that, i'd much rather deal with restriction.
today all i had was a few crackers, liquid and an egg role and i'm so far stuffed.
it makes me mad, but whatever.
last night i had new years eve with my boyfriend's family and it was honestly incredible.
i love his family, even though we've had out struggles, i've seriously always looked up to them. i respect and care about each and every single person i was with last night, and i'm glad they can now feel comfortable feeling (slightly) that way about me.
i don't know if they love me as much as i love them, but the fact that they like me even a little could leave me smiling for days haha.
don't ask, you wouldn't understand unless you were me or one of my close friends/boyfriend.
tonight i'm just lying around because surprise surprise, new years left me exhausted.
i went out to breakfast with my best friend and her mom until liiiike 4 in the morning.

blah,its so weird not knowing what audience i'm writting to? like should i censor it for parents, write funny things for my friends, steer the conversation towards eating wise for my girls or keep it lovey dovey for my boyfriend...
i really don't know so i'm going to keep it journal conversation until i do.

i think i'm done writting today, my boyfriend wont answer his phoooooone.